Faith and Fear
I have learned a lot about faith and fear this past year. Fear came on me in the early weeks and months. I feared making the wrong decision. I feared metastasis. I feared death.
Reading articles and books and listening to interviews gave me much hope, but, of course, they also sometimes produced fear. Not only did I battle fear from within my own thoughts, I also had the voices of those around me that I had to process. People who loved me would say things that triggered it.
A FRIEND MEANS WELL
Recalling several of these instances, I think of one day about a month after diagnosis. I was in a good frame of mind. Having received peace about foregoing chemo, I had set my sights on scheduling surgery to remove the tumor and researching how to prepare and go forward.
Talking with a friend that afternoon, she told me about how she had listened to a story of a young woman who, like me, was diagnosed with Triple Negative Breast Cancer (TNBC). This young woman decided to go on a pre-planned vacation after her diagnosis before making any decisions about what to do, but within those weeks, the tumor grew sizably and spread to another area of her body.
I’m sure my friend told me this story so that I would be aware of how severe this disease could be. Perhaps she thought I was not taking my condition seriously enough. Or maybe she thought I should change my mind about traditional therapy and put a rush on treatment. She said she could forward me the podcast, and I said, “No, it would just make me fearful.”
Too late. I walked away, as a rush of anxiety came over me. Recognizing I was processing this experience as one person’s voice being amplified in my mind to represent many other voices, I turned to God as I walked away. I said, “Lord, I know what ‘they’ say. ‘They’ say that I should get in the chemo chair. They say that I’m crazy to forego it. But what do YOU say?” I paused for a few seconds as I sensed what He said. “You’re right,” I replied. “You have already told me that I’m going to be okay. You already gave me peace and directed me about chemo. I KNOW YOU are my Healer, not traditional medicine. I will go on what YOU say, not ‘them.’”
Set with this determination, I waited for a complete restoration of peace, but it did not return immediately. I went home and poured through the scriptures I had started collecting and the journal notes of what I believed God had spoken to me. I prayed. I rebuilt my faith. It took the entire evening to reset my mind and get peace.
FEAR TRIGGERED AGAIN
I recall another time when my friend was asking me if there were plans to do scans to see if the cancer was in other areas of my body. I told her that I already had an MRI and ultrasound of my armpit, and those scans were clear, and the needle biopsy of the lymph node nearest the tumor was clear. Therefore, my surgeon did not suggest further scans, as there was no indication that it had spread.
My friend said if she were in my position, she would want to know for sure if the cancer had spread to other areas. I explained that I did not want to have unnecessary PET or CT scans because of the high levels of radiation. These scans produce cancer by damaging the anti-oncogenes of healthy and unhealthy cells. Having a scan would be a calculated risk-to-reward decision; in this case, it did not make sense to me. There was no indication of the cancer being stage 3, much less stage 4. (Stage 3 means it has spread to the nearby lymph nodes. Stage 4 means it has spread to other areas of the body.) She kept pressing. I felt pressured to agree with her and became visibly upset. I walked away, struggling with my emotions.
After I got home, she called me and said she realized I didn’t need someone who told me what to do; instead, I needed someone to support me in my decisions. “Yes! That’s it!” I replied. “Thank you so much for calling to share that. It means a lot to me.”
ANOTHER PERSON WHO LOVES ME
There was also another person who kept saying things that provoked anxiety in me. One day in May 2023, she said I may still need chemo even though I don’t want it. I talked to God about this comment, and I had a revelation. She was speaking to me out of fear.
I prayed about how to handle this. God opened the door for a phone conversation that went something like this:
Me: “Hi, what ‘ya doin’?”
Her: “Oh, I’m sitting here with a thousand things running through my mind.”
Me: “I assume one of those is me.”
Her: “Yesssss. (sigh) I just hate that you are going through this.”
Me: “I want to encourage you. I’m going to be okay.
Her: “I know. I guess I don’t have enough faith.”
Me: “You don’t. I want to encourage you to speak words of faith and pray words of faith. And if you cannot speak words of faith, please keep your thoughts to yourself because they negatively affect me . When I hear them, I have to reset myself.”
Her: “I’m sorry. I’ll try.”
Me: “My faith is being tested, and I believe yours is too.”
We ended the call stating our love for each other.
I was learning that people who care a great deal about me (and I also care a great deal about them) saw from their perspective how they think they would handle the situation or how I should handle it. Subsequently, they shared that with me because they did not want me to make a mistake. They wanted the best for me.
But I had information they didn’t. I was spending hours each week with God and learning about patients who forewent chemo and radiation and went into remission, even from Stage 4 disease. My heart was getting encouraged and my mind informed about treatments that “do no harm” and the things we can do to support the body to heal. Although I shared some of this information with them, I know it was hard for them to understand or accept because it was a new perspective.
I am happy to report that these people I love dearly have since become my biggest cheerleaders! I need their support. The encouragement I’ve received from family and friends is a huge part of my journey and such a blessing to have.
LESSONS LEARNED
Multiple people I know have been diagnosed with cancer since my journey began. It seems to be an epidemic of late. I share all this in the hope that we become mindful of the fear and anxiety they may be experiencing.
I seek to be more mindful of this myself. Even having experienced these emotions, I sometimes forget to put myself in their position before I start speaking.
These days, I am not as overcome with fear as I was in the early months. Sometimes, a twinge of anxiety comes over me, and when it does, I go back to my Scripture statements and prayers and to what God has already spoken. I believe there will always be tests of faith in our walk with God. It’s not bad. It keeps us dependent on Him.
PRAISE
I want to give glory to God. Thinking back to the story my friend told me of the young woman with the same diagnosis whose tumor grew unusually fast, I reflect on the growth of the tumor in my breast.
During the weeks between discovering the tumor by self-examination in January 2023 and the ultrasound on March 28th, I could feel the tumor expanding. It became physically uncomfortable and emotionally and mentally disturbing. Common sense would say the tumor would continue to grow after diagnosis.
I praise God that during the three months between diagnosis and surgery, the tumor inside me did NOT grow at all! Why? I believe God answered many prayers offered up for me! Additionally, He directed me to make drastic changes in my diet, supplements, and lifestyle so the cancer was “starved.”
I’m glad I waited several months to have the lumpectomy, because it gave my body time to become healthier, halt the tumor, and better resist the assault on my white blood cells that surgery brings.
God has been faithful in directing my path, which is uniquely mine. Others on a cancer journey must find their path, and our Heavenly Father is ready to guide them.
NED!
This past week, I received great news. It was a status report I had been waiting to hear…NED! No Evidence of Disease!
My doctor in Atlanta declared me as “NED” because my Signatera circulating tumor cell test (specific to the exact DNA of the tumor removed) was NEGATIVE in December AND my CA 27.29 (breast cancer antigen test), which declined from 29 in August 2023 to 20 in November 2023, came down another five points in February 2024 to 15, which is within normal range! There is no need for scans, because the Signatera and CA 27.29 tests can detect cancer cells that could lead to reoccurrence before a scan could.
So, I continue the whole health journey to remain in remission and address the other markers (vitamin/mineral/hormone/intestinal dysbiosis/free radical activity, etc.) that are still abnormal. My decisions are based on science, but a lot is trial and error because everyone’s body is different. The one thing I am determined to do is continue to trust Him to direct me!
HIDDEN TREASURES
Hebrews 11:1 defines faith as “the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” Throughout this journey, my faith in God has not wavered. In fact, it’s been strengthened.
Where my faith has been tested is in the area of my healing and making decisions in this journey. Repeatedly, scriptures reference the role of faith in healing. When I sought Him in desperation, I believe He spoke to me personally, telling me I would be okay and would guide me. That’s where I put my faith - in His Word and what He says to me.
Having my faith tested has been a hidden treasure. Like most people, I don’t grow as much when things are going smoothly. The pressure of trials forces me to run to God and decide to trust Him. What a reward to know His presence in those moments!
1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.
Psalm 34:4 I sought the LORD, and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears.
James 1:2-4 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
Matthew 17:20 “You don’t have enough faith,” Jesus told them. “I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it would move. Nothing would be impossible.”
Luke 8:50 Hearing this, Jesus said to Jairus, “Don’t be afraid; just believe, and she will be healed.”